Filed Under: Disgust, American Style

Any country that has it's citizens finding fingers in french fries, then sues for damages, is going to attract the media attention when something like this happens...

Student Accused Of Putting Bodily Fluids In Food

Yes, the most disgusting headline imaginable, followed by this classic line: "...CBS 2 news partner The Naperville Sun had the tip on the story...."

From the Letter to Parents that poor principal had to write:

Dear Wheaton North Parent:

A very unuaual and disgusting incident recenty occured at Wheaton North High School. Because it could potentially impact other students and most certainly will be the subject of conversation among some students [You THIHK??], I want you to be aware of the facts surrounding this issue.

There is no tactful way to give you this information, so I will explain it as it occured. During the 'D' lunch period on December 6, 2006, a male student removed a Ranch salad dressing container from the Student Commons, went into the boy's restroom, ejaculated into the bottle, and then returned the container to the condiment table. It is unclear if anyone subsequently used the salad dressing prior to its normal cleaning by food service personnel.

We became aware of this incident when several studens reported it to the Dean's office on the afternoon of Tuesday, December 12. The identified student was questioned extensively and later admitted his action. He has been appropriately disciplned and the matter is now being handled [by other kids with sharp knives...] by the Wheaton Police Department.

The letter goes on to explain the possible health issues, and that tests have been given to the student (he's still alive, for now), and the results of that test will be disseminated (groan) after they've been released. And, promises to never, ever, allow these circumstances to come about again.

Urban legends have it that this has happened before. Here in Nashville, I've heard the story of the Green Hills Restaurant (I'll keep the name quiet; it may not be true) where, after many patrons became sick after eating the Chili, a camera was installed in the kitchen. The tape revealed that a long-haired maggot-infested type was actually taking a dump in the large chilipot before starting the day's Chile cooking. He was said to be unapologetic for his actions, and now works for the State helping other people secure benefits...but that's just one of those urban legends, I'm sure...

We know from past events, kids get a copycat syndrome going on, and as such I'm just glad I don't have to eat at school cafeterias anymore. Nor do I care for Ranch Dressing.

I prefer Miracle Whip...